one in heaven and one on earth.

     Well really i am a mother of 2. My first little one is an angle in heaven. She was born much to early and her little body couldn't hold on. I struggle with the loss. Some days good, some bad. I have learned to handle my pain. No matter what i acknowledge my angels life and celebrate it, but i also take time to mourn. It is what works for me. Don't press is down deep or it will sneak up on you.  Talk about her often.   I am now blessed with a happy healthy little girl (i will call hope) who is everything to me. 
    Growing up i always planned on having lots of kids and even offered to be a surrogate for someone when i was much younger. God had different plans for me. Before my 21st birthday i became a mother only to have her slip away before she was a day old. 
     I love Hope she is 2 now, but late at night like this i begin to feel guilty that she will be an only child. I was raised with a large family and had the joy of having someone to always play with. I have thought about looking into a surrogate and adoption, but being at the bottom of middle class that is not an option. I guess i should explain why she will be an only child. The most important reason is that i have been told my next birth will probably kill me and the baby. So no more kids. Hope is great with kids she loves to help with the babies and even takes care of her "baby". She is just a loving child. 
    My fear is smothering her by trying to make up for it. Right now we are potty training and that is fun. HA!  She does all right but some days she just plain refuses to go. She is getting good with animals and sounds. Can count to five, loves to sing and dance, and doesn't want anything to do with the alphabet. 
    I am blessed she is not a picky eater she will eat an onion like an apple. Her veggies are always first on her plate to go, then starch, then meat. She is not a big meat eater.